SHARK UPDATE:No Such Thing as a Shark Attack! - ShadyNews.com
August 3rd, 2007Shark week is in its full glory and the pundits are out! This time, is the NBA Wizards Gilbert Arenas defending our toothy friends. He says:
There are these things called shark attacks, but there is no such thing as a shark attack. I have never seen a real shark attack.
I know you’re making a weird face as you’re reading this. OK people, a shark attack is not what we see on TV and what people portray it as.
We’re humans. We live on land.
Sharks live in water.
So if you’re swimming in the water and a shark bites you, that’s called trespassing. That is called trespassing. That is not a shark attack.
A shark attack is if you’re chilling at home, sitting on your couch, and a shark comes in and bites you; now that’s a shark attack. Now, if you’re chilling in the water, that is called invasion of space. So I have never heard of a shark attack.
When I see on the news where it’s like, “There have been 10 shark attacks,” I’m like, “Hey, for real?! They’re just running around? Sharks are walking now, huh! We live on the land, we don’t live underwater.”
Well said! We commend Gilbert not only on his excellent play with the Wizards but with his apparent mastery of shark behavior. If people didn’t go into the water, no one would get bitten. Logic! I dub Mr. Arenas the Spock of the NBA.
The Sharks also feel encouraged. Representatives from the Shark Alliance will seek an immediate restraining order against all bi-peds who trespass in the worlds oceans. Referencing the ground breaking research from Arenas, “We never considered the legal implications of humans entering a sharks domain before. Our previous arguement was that man and shark should exist at arms length - less the man have his arm rightfully torn off. Mr. Arenas’s simple yet profound observations that man does, indeed, live on land while sharks inhabit the water leads us to ask a federal judge for an injunction. People have no business in the water!”.
EDIT: Mr. Arenas stole his research!
The Shady News news room came to a screeching halt when it learned that Mr. Arenas boosted his research (he dares to call this landmark study a comical joke) from professional comedian Ian Edwards! Arenas is even attempting a charge-back to Mr. Edwards for stealing his research and popularizing it. An invoice for .78 cents was sent to Mr. Edwards from Mr. Areanas for making his $7 dollar joke worth $7.78.
While Mr. Edwards prepares his respond The Shark Alliance was reconsidering its landmark litigation against the entire human race. It is unclear how they will proceed with their suit given these latest developments. Sources close to the Shark Alliance’s litigation team feels that, going forward, the lack of NBA clout weakens their case. “We just don’t believe that we have enough momentum without Mr. Arenas’ name attached to the research. The man has his own bobble head … the team feels that any researcher without a bobble head likeness lacks sufficient street cred with the judicial system.”, said an unnamed source.
![Rep. Jim Clyburn [D]](http://www.shadynews.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/clyburn.jpg "Rep. Jim Clyburn [D]")
Rep. Jim Clyburn [D] the third highest ranking Democrat in the House from South Carolina, is quoted in the Washington Post as stating that a positive report by Gen. David Petraeus in September will be “a real big problem for us”. When prodded, the Congressman stated his distain for all types of victory. “What’s bad for America is good for the Democratic Party!”. The astonished Washington Post interviewers (Dan Balz and Chris Cillizza) then asked about other venues that he (Clyburn) would like to see the United States lose in. Without skipping a beat the congressman mentioned the upcoming 2008 Olympics in China. “If we even come close to winning in the over all medal count I will call an emergency vote on the floor to withdraw our athletes from Beijing!. It would cause too much national pride here in America. How can we Democrats succeed if Americans feel good about themselves? Not on my watch! Like it or not, every American who accepts my parties ‘We Suck’ attitude is another absolute vote for a Democrat in 2008″.